I guess I'm just really used to being the one who constantly wants the ones around me to be happy. The truth is, I think I'll be happy only when they are happy.
Perhaps bottling up my feelings isn't going to be the best way indeed.
Having a private instagram account was not making me feel better in any way. Others used their private accounts or some say second account to relieve their feelings but I did not. Instead, it was used as a spam account for me. I guess that it was also due to the fact that I hated bringing negativity to anyone, let alone mine.
After thinking for a really long time, I really needed a platform for me to express my thoughts. This shall be it.
Many things have happened the past few days.
One of the recent ones was the conversation I had with Yong. His words did make me think. I thought of the kind of person which I should strive to be better, again.
I'm constantly trying to be a better person that I am of yesterday. This may sound really selfish but I ask for your patience and understanding, friends.
Finally, I apologised to him. We did not particularly drift, but we did not text as much. I felt guilty for it because I did not think that a drop in text would mean that much to him. Thinking back and around, I know that I have to put myself into his shoes. He's not in Sg and is in the US. He might be afraid that he would be forgotten by us. Moreover, it's never easy for an introvert like him to make new friends, let alone finding true friends. Then I apologised. I guess that isn't a big deal to many people but it is to me. I guess I'm one who has much ego instilled ever since I stepped foot onto this planet. I felt a sense of relief when I apologised to him and told him that I'm still trying to be a better person.
And I will never stop trying.
Further back a few days ago, Dad and I had kinda bickered in a way. It was awful because the cold war lasted for a few days which was the longest cold war the both of us had by far. His job then got in his way, causing him twice as troubled. I did not think that our bickering would hurt him that much because I clearly did not know where I went wrong, I clearly did not know how a small problem could cause him to be this mad at me. I still felt that everything was just blunt on the surface until I received a call from Mom one morning only to find out that Dad and her went for a drink at the coffeeshop and he cried. I felt a slight tug at the heart as I hear those words spoken by Mom.
Again, many things went through my mind again. Although I did not know where I have gone wrong, but I still felt that Dad needed my comfort then at that point, telling him that everything's okay, that I'm not mad at him anymore. Shan that told me that I should apologise to him for having used a rather rude tone towards hims when we bickered, but I felt reluctant to do so due to that annoying ego in me.
I know that I'm not one who apologises when I know that I'm not in the wrong because I just don't see the need to when it's not my fault. However, I learnt that an apology sometimes doesn't mean to be aware of your mistake and express your sincerity that you were in the wrong, or to seek forgiveness. Apology sometimes might just mean wanting to let the person you really care about to feel better.
Should I use the phrase to "give-in"?
I don't think so for this case, it's Dad I'm talking about here. I should have done so.
Yet I didn't. God knows what was holding me back. Tris even told me that perhaps I should just sit down and talk things out with Dad, but nope I didn't.
Again, I disappointed myself. I've let myself down time and time again.
I don't know when I would be able to relay this apology to you Dad, but I promise to be a better person. I'm sorry, Dad.
Just yesterday, Tris and I talked and I realised how much I missed her.
She called me just to tell me about a recent event which made her really really happy.
I saw those sparks in her eyes as she was telling me and I genuinely felt touched and really happy for her.
Tho it wasn't something most people would recognise it as something worth the celebration, but I know it was for her. Then I realised again, sometimes the kind of things that you are happy about doesn't really matter, what matters most is that YOU ARE HAPPY.
I was so proud of her and genuinely, I felt that her hard work has paid off. I'm looking forward to more happy events happening in the near future. :)
To sum it all up, everyday is a lesson for me and I honestly can't wait to learn more new things in life, regardless of what kind of things it is.
I only have a life for me to realise the countless things in the world and I literally can't wait for it.
I would also like to thank Tris for encouraging me to have an outlet to channel all of my emotions to. Afterall, I'm a human as well.
I won't change immediately in an instance, however one step at a time, I will, through instances, ups and downs in life. Yes not to lie that I dislike the sour instances however, the sweet only comes after the sour. I'm prepared for it, to constantly make positive changes in my life. :)
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